What A Dump/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Oh, man. I've got a flat tire. Must've caught a nail. What a shame. I was hoping to get another 20k outta this baby. Oh, well. Just have to get the spare. I think it's one of those space saver spares. Yeah, yeah, there it is. No, that's a doughnut. Now what? A little handyman ingenuity, that's what. I could only get two of the bolts to line up, so I really had to horse this baby on here. I won't be needing that again anyway. This baby'll never go flat. Talk about a steal-belted radial, huh? Looks like all those years of paying road tax is finally paying off. [ cheering and applause ] oh, yeah. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big news up at the lodge this week. This time you can chalk one up for the little guy, because our local paper, "the possum lake daily movement," has been running this report for about a month now how the city of toronto has run outta places to put their garbage, and they've decided to dump it all into an old abandoned quarry up near port asbestos. Well, I don't think so. Red: So is that any good or what, eh? We are the man! Dalton, tell 'em what we did. Okay, we went up to the quarry to protest toronto dumping its garbage at port asbestos. And it worked. They canceled the project. Tell 'em why, dalton. Well, because we gave them a better alternative. Yes, we did indeed. And what was that better alternative? They're gonna dump their garbage right here at the lodge. Is that any good? [ applause ] now all that high-tone toronto garbage is gonna get delivered right here. All those b.M.W. Parts. The unused power tools. The half assembled ikea furniture. We're gonna be sitting on a gold mine. Dalton, ka-ching! I'm tearing up. Dalton, he needs a hug. It's the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] and today's prize is a one-year subscription to the local paper, the daily movement. Believe me, there's no better way to start a morning. All right, winston, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word. All right, dalton. And go! Okay, winston, when you have a car accident, the first thing you do with the other driver is you exchange... Excuses? Okay, you drive by somebody's house and it's on fire. You think to yourself, boy, I sure hope that guy has... Another house. Okay, you want your family to be looked after when you die, so you buy... A pitbull? This is something that doctors buy a lot of. Golf balls! Time's almost up. Okay, okay, this is something smart people buy to protect them from a disaster. Oh, a plunger. You know your self-help guy, anthony anthony? What does he have so that he can make all those promises? Liability insurance. There we go. [ cheering and applause ] gord? Oh, red. Red green. Who are all those people down there? Oh. They're friends of mine. Yeah, I'm just trying to find them something to munch on. They're getting hungry again. All right. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Ah, is that a good idea, gord? Oh, it's all right. They have can openers. [ laughter ] [ crashing sound ] they won't need the opener for that one. Carry on! Have a seat. What are they doing down there, gord? Oh, they're just enjoying my company. We're all just shooting the breeze. We're just hanging out together. No. No. No. They're not hanging out. They're chained to the trees down there. [ laughter ] they're environmental activists. They're doing their part to save the trees from the logging company that plans to clear cut this forest. And each one of those dedicated individuals has given me the key to their freedom, with explicit instructions not to unchain them until I see the logging company pack up and go home. Yeah, well they left a couple of weeks ago. The loggers are out of here. Didn't you notice the bulldozers are gone? Yeah, I wondered about that. Yeah. They're gone. I mean, all the loggers have left. Yeah. Well, maybe. Maybe they left. Maybe they're just hiding. Had you thought of that? Gord, you can't have people chained up to trees just to keep you company. Oh, come on. We're just getting to know each other. Besides, one of them is a w-w-w -- a woman? Yeah! [ laughter ] at least I think she's a woman. I hope so anyway. And she listens to me. You know, she doesn't just take off in mid-sentence, unlike some people I know. Well, she can't take off. She's chained to a tree. Yeah, that might be part of it. But I also think she finds my stories extremely engaging. Bring your keys. We're going to unchain all those tree huggers right now. All right, look, we can just throw them the keys. All right. Throw them the keys. [ splashing sound ] oh, darn, they went in the lake. Don't worry about it. I got a chain cutter. No-o-o! You know, for most middle-aged guys, the best labour-saving device is a teenager. There aren't as many around as there used to be. Not even kids of any age, actually. This abandoned playground is another indication that the birth rate's been going down over the last few years. I guess this isn't the only playtime equipment that's not getting much use. So instead of whining about not having a teenager, which would be taking irony to a whole new level, I'm going to take all this baby boom playgear and turn it into a dandy automatic firewood splitter. [ laughter ] first, I'll turn this slide into a chute to use as a hopper for the whole unit. Not much of a stretch, really. If you go down this baby with a pair of shorts on a hot day, you'll turn into a bit of a hopper yourself. All I got to do now is attach the oil drum onto the slide. I gotta take the bottom out of her first. There's a lucky break. The bottom's already rusted out of this unit. Toxic waste can be our friend. You know, if duct tape is the handyman's best friend, then the bungee cord has got to be his golfing buddy. We'll use a couple of them here to make a spring-loaded trap door on the slide. It's really a stopper for the hopper on my chopper. Now all I got to do is get the slide high enough and at the right angle so that the bars on the carousel will hit the hockey stick. Of course, you knew that. Okay, there's my hopper/feeder. Now we need the chopper/splitter. And for that all I need to do is to mount something heavy on the end of the teeter-totter and then mount this axe under the seat facing down like that. Then when the log comes round on the carousel, she'll drop down and split her right in half. I suppose I could have mounted this unit on there instead of an axe, but then it wouldn't be a teeter-totter, would it? It would be a see-saw. I'm using a car engine as my weight. An old flat-head four 'cause I'm splitting pine and birch. But if you're working in oak or any of the fruit woods, you might want to go with a big block hemi or a diesel on that. You can see how that much weight is going to bring the axe down harder than a c.E.O. After a board meeting. The trick is how do I get the axe to go back up? Oh, there we go. A round-top picnic table. Perfect. They must have known we were going to do this when they built it. Okay, now, as the carousel goes around, these arms are going to lift up the teeter-totter, raise the axe up into position to come down and split the next log. Remember when this carousel was just a waste of time and energy? Oh, I know. Some of you handymen are thinking, "wait a sec, red. "somebody's still got to turn on the carousel, "and that's way too much work for me." oh, ye of little faith. That's why this car is front-wheel drive. [ circus music playing ] [ applause ] you know, you see those young guys on tv, skateboarding down the freeway, jumping off of office buildings with nothing to save them except special sport sunglasses and shoes that cost more than your car. Watching those idiots risk their lives can make us high mileage guys feel a little stodgy. Especially if you have to rest twice walking up your own driveway. Well, don't be fooled. We are every bit as brave as they are. How can you compare bungee jumping off a bridge with the risk you run every time you doze off on the couch in a house full of teenagers? Think of the times you deliberately put yourself in harm's way just by truthfully answering your wife's questions. Do I look fat? How do you like my new hat? Why don't you ever let me drive? That takes guts; not much glory. But at least you don't need special sunglasses to do it. These youngsters don't have half the jam that we have. So they risk their lives for a few seconds in a cheap thrill. At our age, you and I risk our lives constantly. Every time we pick up a shovel of wet snow or eat a bacon sandwich or go to bed before we're tired. Remember. I'll pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, our big city garbage project is moving forward. We're clearing all our low-class country junk off of the lodge property so we can make room for the high-quality mega-city garbage. Red, I found this tie down by the horseshoe pit. It was holding up a leg of a picnic table. Can I have it? Uh, no, but I tell you what. I'll trade it for your tie. You don't need a tie. You've got a beard. Hey, did you guys see this letter from the toronto sanitation department? We're going to get money on this deal. Let's see that. How much money? 100 bucks. Oh, 100 bucks. I thought you were going to say a few thousand bucks. 100 bucks is nothing. Oh, okay, maybe to a small-time operator -- to you it's a big deal, but to an entrepreneur like myself that's chicken feed. No, no, no, no, guys. We gotta pay them 100 bucks. What? 100 bucks is a lot of money. What do we owe them money for? Oh, they say the lodge is too far from the highway. They've gotta bring the garbage in smaller trucks or something. Oh, mr green, I had my heart set on that garbage. It serves an ex-con right for having a dream. It's a stinking, lousy world. All right. All right. You know what? I bet other cities have a garbage problem, too. Maybe they'd be interested. What? Like new york or reno? Cleveland! What? No, no, I'm thinking of houston. Get some of that nasa rocket garbage up here to the lodge. We could have some fun with that, wouldn't we? That's a great idea. That would put possum lake right on the map. Absolutely. I can see the headline. "nasa rocket garbage lands at possum lodge." "one small dump for man, "one giant dump for mankind." [ laughter ] welcome to the experts portion of the show, where we explore those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: "I don't know." and joining red today, we have marina operator -- well, sometimes operator, dwight cardiff. [ applause and cheering ] today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts. I am enclosing a photo of my new puppy. "his name is spot. "I've never owned a dog before, "but I know they need a lot of exercise. "how often should I walk spot?" and it's from adam. Okay, well, adam, I would suggest you walk your puppy after every meal; otherwise, you're going to find out why he's called spot. Okay, adam, I suggest if you still have the receipt, that you return spot and get yourself an older dog. Old dogs don't need to be walked because they have no extra energy in their systems whatsoever. Plus they've probably been fixed, which accounts for their lack of interest in life whatsoever. [ laughter ] I guess that's why old dogs can't turn new tricks. Learn new tricks. Better yet, return spot and make friends with your neighbour's dog. That way you still have a friend to play fetch with, but you don't have to feed it or walk it or clean up after it. You know, I don't think adam is going to be taking his new puppy back, dwight. Okay, if he insists on keeping the dog, then my advice is to prop the door open with something. That way he can come and go as he pleases. Dogs'll walk themselves if you let them. Just remember to leave his collar off so nobody knows he's yours. So you're telling adam to let spot run around like a wild animal? Well, not wild. Tame but with a lot of individual discretion. Well, yeah, but dwight, if he doesn't have his collar or tags he's going to be considered a stray and just end up back in the pound. Then what? Then adam goes back down to the pound, adopts it, and it's his again. Have you ever had a pet, dwight? I used to have a snail. What happened to it, dwight? It ran away on me. [ laughter and applause ] red: Had a little problem. Had a hole in the roof of one of our sheds. I dunno how it got there, but, uh, we had to fix that up I had some shingles I thought walter was going to help, but I don't know where walter is. Wait a sec. That's about the size of the hole in the -- oh, what was that... That's a concrete block there oh, uh, uh -- uh, uh -- we're fine. We're fine. Dalton, don't worry about it. Oh, there it is. So I send walter over for a ladder. He's going to climb up on the roof. Now, that's not the ladder I would have chosen, walter. Did you really think this through? Walter, go get a decent-sized ladder. It's not easy. Don't get up, dalton. All right, there you go. Up you go. I'll throw the shingles up to you. Way you go. Get up there. Up you go. Up you go. Up you go. Oh-h-h. Well, now you've got a problem. You can't -- oh, here we go. There you are. All right. He'll get up there, and I'll just throw him up the shingles. Shouldn't be a problem. Careful now, it's slippery. Oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh! There they are. There you go. All right, so we've got all the shingles laid out. Now all he needs is just the hammer, just hammer them down oh! Oh, boy. Dalton's no help. There you go. He's put the shingles on so well, he can't tell where the hole is. Oh, no. No. No. That's right. No, no, no! Oh-h-h! There we go. Job's done! Doesn't it bug you when you're sitting down to watch a football game or read the paper or just to reduce the surplus of fermented beverages in your home, and there's a knock at the door. It's never anything you're interested in. Some guy selling something or recruiting you for his cult. Or that nosy woman with the court order to clean up your yard. Well, here's a quick, easy way to maintain your privacy. These things are called half-bricks. They're cheap and they're handy; especially if you're half-a-brick short of a load. You want to cover the whole front of the house with these babies. Just make sure you go right over the door and everything, then you're ready for the next guy who comes a-knocking. [ laughter and applause ] well, we had everything all sorted out. We agreed to pay toronto 100 bucks for their garbage, and they guaranteed us three car parts and 12 appliances in every load. Well, it was our only alternative. All the other cities we contacted weren't interested. Except for chernobyl. So we're all set to receive the first load. The guys are all excited and everything. And as usual, the government steps in, screws up the whole thing. Red, now, wait. Let's be fair. They're trying to protect the environment. Yeah, these guys come in with their fancy lab coats, start taking soil and water samples. Oh, yeah, they suspected the lodge property contained contaminants. Well, duh! You're only allowed so many parts per million of toxic particles in your environment. Apparently, we'd already hit our quota. Yeah, so they killed the deal, put the kibosh on it. No more big-city garbage in our future. I'm going to need a moment. Audience: Ah-h-h. It gets worse. They won't even let us leave our junk lying around. They ordered us to clean up the lodge and our whole end of the lake. Audience: Ah-h-h. You know, they're trying to save the planet. If we do the cleanup then the lodge and the lake will be here 100 years from now. Isn't that important to you guys? I don't think so. No, not really. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. You guys go ahead. Tell everybody the news. Do you need a hug? I don't need -- get out of here! Not from him, anyway. Speaking of hugs, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. You know how you're always saying that the city is so far ahead of us in clothes and coffee shops and youth crime. Well, apparently, when it comes to pollution, we're smoking them. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] winston: Okay, everybody. Everybody sit down. Sit down. Mike: You gotta sit down. Dalton: Sit. Sit. Sit. Mike: Sit down, now. Winston: All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Okay, guys, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, as you know, we've got to clean up the area. I'm looking for the owner of a car. It's a 1982 pacer wagon. Didn't know they were that -- okay, this one's brown with a dirty brown interior. Okay, uh, the license number I-m-a-d-v-8. Okay, teddy, you've got 24 hours to get your car out of the bottom of the lake. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com